Father’s Day: Mentoring Or Bullying?

The Cambridge Dictionary defines mentoring as the act or process of helping and giving advice to a younger or less experienced person, especially in a job or at school. It is a collaborative relationship where a more experienced individual (mentor) provides guidance, wisdom, and support to a less experienced person (mentee). Bullying, on the other hand, as I came across in a definition, is the repeated actions or threats of action directed toward a person by one or more people who are perceived to have more power or status than their targets, intended to cause fear, distress, or harm. Indeed, bullying can be physical, verbal, psychological, or any combination of these, and often involves a persistent and deliberate abuse of power.

According to the above definitions, one might always find it difficult to identify any real similarities between a mentor and a bully, except that both involve a person who is more powerful or experienced than the other. They are entirely different in form, shape, intent, motivation, and even how they present themselves. However, bullies often hide behind the guise of mentorship to inflict pain and mental torment on their victims. Ultimately, they deceive themselves and live in denial, convincing themselves that the pain and anguish their victims endure are part of mentorship, not necessarily bullying. There are many seasoned individuals in positions of power who genuinely intend to mentor the young and inexperienced but end up veering off course or sabotaging the entire process through bullying. Others, with no intention of mentoring at all, misuse their authority to bully under the pretense of mentorship. Although some may misuse mentorship and blend it with various bullying tactics, both perpetrators and victims often lack the right strategies or tools to effectively counteract its harmful effects. 

As previously mentioned, bullying often happens in schools, markets, or workplace environments. Sadly, it is troubling to realize that bullying, including its worst forms, occurs even within Christendom, the church, or ministry spaces. Perpetrators of such heinous acts have disguised them as ‘coaching’ or ‘mentoring’ for the younger, inexperienced believers entrusted to their care by God. Instead of guiding them to realize their God-given potential, these so-called mentors often abuse the limited power given to them. As a result, they produce timid, fearful, sycophantic men-pleasers, rebels, and spiritually numb believers with little opportunity for growth or Christian maturity. Unwilling, disinterested, and unmotivated to learn from their so-called mentors, these victims count down the days until they can break free from the bullying, wishing to get revenge by bullying those under them. Sadly, this cycle of bullying continues to grow because bullies produce more bullies, and mentors create more mentors.

The Old and experienced Prophet of God in 1 Kings chapter 13 bullied the young prophet from Judah into submission, forcing him to disobey the clear instructions God gave him not to eat. Ultimately, the young prophet had to leave ministry in the most unpleasant way when a lion attacked and killed him. Which are you? A bully or a mentor in the household of faith? While mentors have mentee followers, bullies have discontented victims. How do mentors interact with their mentees? And what about bullies with their victims? What makes people think they are mentoring when they are actually bullying? Do they receive false feedback from their followers? If so, why does this happen?

This article addresses the type of bullying often seen in Christendom disguised as mentorship or coaching. This write-up aims to free Christian mentorship programs from the complications of various kinds of bullying, which naturally hinder the true purpose of mentorship.

The Lord’s charge to believers in Matthew 28:19-20 is to go and make disciples of all nations, teaching them to be Christlike. What Jesus expects from experienced or mature believers is that they mentor the new ones who surrender to Him, not bully or intimidate them. The life of Christ from His birth through His childhood in the Temple, when He was twelve, until His ministry on earth was all about embracing everyone and gently helping them reach their God-given potential. Christ used no bullying or intimidation in His interactions with sinners, the vulnerable, or even the self-righteous people of His time. He fully embraced sinners, spent tireless time teaching His followers, and allowed them to express themselves boldly without feeling intimidated. 

Indeed, His mentorship style was what made ladies like Mary and Martha feel accepted and comfortable within His space, in a socio-religious context that gave very little room to the female gender. Apostle Peter expressed his ignorance and naivety on spiritual matters without fear or shame during His teaching services and discussions. Although Peter got most of his submissions wrong as a newborn in the Lord, the posture of Christ, his mentor, was the kind that still made him comfortable enough to make further submissions in their interactions. Even when Peter suffered occasional rebukes from Christ, he kept airing his disagreements and opinions freely without retreating into his shell. It was, therefore, not surprising that God revealed to him who Jesus actually was when He asked the disciples who He was. Simon Peter answered, “You are the Messiah, the Son of the living God.” Jesus replied, “Blessed are you, Simon son of Jonah, for this was not revealed to you by flesh and blood, but by my Father in heaven.” (Matthew 16:16-17). Christian mentorship is what brings out the best in people. Bullying tactics and intimidation, regardless of the religious coating we give them, are foreign to the faith and only serve to kill the zeal and passion of others. As believers, we are called to mentor, not to bully, the vulnerable or weak among us.

One may ask, “Can’t there be occasions when mentees need to go through tough times at the hands of their mentors to help them toughen up?” Will that necessarily amount to bullying? Not at all. However, life has enough challenges to strengthen people. Additionally, the Lord, the vinedresser, knows how to prune His branches or children to make them more productive. Therefore, one doesn’t need to endure torture from a bully or self-inflicted difficulties to build their spiritual muscles. Jesus, the mentor, chose to encourage Peter to come to Him as he tried to walk on the sea. But when the situation became too difficult for him, the former reached out a helping hand to rescue the latter from perishing (Matthew 14:22-33). However, bullies often enjoy seeing their followers struggle under their guidance. Without offering encouragement or a helping hand, they mistake people’s tears or frustration under their care for proper mentoring. 

The Lord never instructed His followers to bully others into conformity. Instead, He urges them to teach and lead by example, setting a standard for others to follow. Apostle Peter wrote, “Be shepherds of God’s flock that is under your care, watching over them, not because you must, but because you are willing, as God wants you to be; not pursuing dishonest gain, but eager to serve; not lording it over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock.” (1 Peter 5:2-3). Apostle Paul continued in 1 Corinthians 11:1, saying, “Follow my example, as I follow the example of Christ.” Mentors set Christ as the standard for their mentees, whereas bullies often quote some godfathers to justify their bullying tactics, pretending they are training or coaching.

One trait of bullies that outrightly disqualifies them from mentoring or coaching others is their tendency to weaponize their relative power to instill fear in those under their care, ensuring they always have their way. The discipleship Project cannot be built on a foundation of fear, threats, or intimidation. So, bullies are often surprised to see the sudden change in their mentees’ attitudes towards them when they are no longer in power. They soon came to realize that those under their tutelage didn’t grow after all, and that whatever they witnessed was a staged version of themselves borne out of fear.

In 1 Kings 13, a story is told of a person the Bible calls “The man of God from Judah.” God sent him to Bethel, during King Jeroboam’s reign, to foretells what was about to happen. After God used him powerfully with great signs and wonders, he refused all the favors and courtesies the king offered because they went against God’s instructions. A prophet living in the town, referred to in the Bible as “An Old Prophet,” heard about this man’s exploits and pursued him until he found him sitting under an oak tree. The older prophet asked the younger, who was on his way back to Judah, to return with him so he could eat something. Despite his inexperience, the younger prophet told the older, more experienced prophet everything God had told him about his trip and why he couldn’t go with him to eat at his house. What the younger prophet needed from the older one was mentorship or guidance in handling the prophetic ministry effectively.

Unfortunately, the Older Prophet resorted to bullying the younger one when he said to him, “I too am a prophet as you are. And an Angel told me to bring you back to my house to eat bread and drink water.” (1 Kings 13:18). Meanwhile, that was not only a bullying tactic but also a complete lie. Bullies often use lying, intimidation, or exaggeration if that’s what it takes to force their victims into submission. While Reverend Eli mentored young Samuel to listen to and obey God’s voice, this Older Prophet in Bethel bullied his younger counterpart from Judah into disobedience. So the man of God returned with him and ate and drank in his house. (I Kings 13:19). What a shame! In the end, the young prophet from Judah was killed by a lion on his way back because of his disobedience to God’s word. 

Only God knows those whose vision, aspirations, and dreams have suffered a similar fate at the hands of bullies disguised as mentors. At the hearing of his death, the older Prophet said, “It is the man of God who defied the word of the Lord.” Wow! The older prophet called the younger one, “the man of God” at his death and, “Alas, my brother” at the burial service and committal. Therefore, he should not have behaved as a “boy of God” in the face of bullying. After all, they were all supposed to be brothers in the same prophetic industry. The lesson for everyone is that when senior or experienced colleagues in your chosen career or calling start to show signs of bullying rather than mentoring, you should respectfully and wisely stand up to their bullying tactics.

When the Older Prophet heard how God had used the younger Prophet from Judah, he asked his sons, “Which way did he go?” One may wonder about the motivation of the Older Prophet in Bethel to quickly have his children saddle his donkey at his age, leading him to pursue the man of God from Judah. Was it because of the signs and mighty wonders God used this younger Prophet to perform, and not him? Was he envious or jealous of the great grace on the man of God from Judah? Indeed, when he found him under the oak tree, he couldn’t tell that he was the one he was looking for. He asked, “Are you the man of God who came from Judah?” Therefore, no matter how old, gifted, talented, or experienced people are in any field of endeavor, if the Lord doesn’t reveal or grant the grace needed for service, they cannot accomplish much. Younger people or those under mentorship or tutelage should exercise caution when considering the counsel they get. There are times when their advice might be influenced by factors other than the Spirit’s leading. Although it was quite indiscreet for the younger Prophet to reveal all his heart about God’s instructions, he may be excused since he thought he was dealing with a father in ministry who was interested in mentoring him.

Unfortunately, the more he opened up, the more he was bullied by the older Prophet. He even went further to tell the younger one that he had just received an Angelic visitation with a clear instruction to go and eat with him in his house. Bullies are not afraid to use any means to get their way over their victims. When the true word of God came through the older Prophet announcing the upcoming demise of the younger prophet due to his disobedience, I expected the former to own up, take the blame, and pray for intercession. Sadly, he did very little to prevent the impending disaster and instead saddled a donkey for him to meet his untimely death not far from where he started. Typical bullies often seem heartless and unconcerned about others’ struggles. Mentors support and uplift, while bullies destroy others’ grace, gifts, talents, and lives.

I remember a Christian brother, who once tried to propose to a lady during their university days, came to her room one day and told her that God had instructed him to marry her. He explained that he didn’t understand why God was so determined to unite them as a couple, because he had heard the voice three times. Framing the situation as if he was doing her a favor by following God’s instruction, the lady didn’t hold back but confidently and respectfully declined the proposal. She wouldn’t tolerate such manipulative tactics from that older Christian brother, knowing her stance and identity in Christ Jesus.

From the above discussions, you are becoming a bully if; 

1. Those under your guidance shudder and are overwhelmed with fear during your interactions because they feel exploited.
2. Those you are supposedly training always try to appear strong and upright when there is actually none at all.
3. You always insist on getting your way or your pound of flesh from those you encounter. Bullying emphasizes taking what others have.
4. You believe your way is always correct or best, which can make you resistant to learning new skills, ideas, or fresh perspectives from others.
5. You can’t just watch those under your care or mentorship outshine your efforts or status. Bullies will, therefore, do whatever they can to make sure everyone else operates below their level.
6. Your followers are sycophants, rebels, hardened bullies, and, at best, timid people with very low self-esteem.
7. You focus on cultivating loyal supporters.
8. You end up draining or diminishing the gifts, potentials, and talents in your followers.
9. You feel insecure and afraid to move around freely without your loyalists.
10. You feel isolated when Power, authority, or societal status slips away or disappears into thin air.

And you are really mentoring if 

1. Those under your guidance operate freely without fear and are not tense about making mistakes, since mentors inspire their mentees.
2. Those you mentor are genuine, even at their weakest.
3. Your focus should be on giving generously and selflessly to those you mentor. Mentorship involves both what to give and how to give it to help others improve.
4. You remain teachable and openly admit your fallibilities as a human being. Therefore, you gain from reverse learning by acquiring new skills and fresh perspectives from your mentees.
5. You don’t compete with younger ones; you mentor them and are happy to see them succeed or excel beyond you.
6. You see yourself raising God-fearing leaders within the household of faith, visible to everyone.
7. You focus on developing free-minded and Spirit-filled transformational leaders.
8. You see yourself as someone who encourages the best in others.
9. You are free and happy to release those under your guidance to go out and positively impact society, given the investment you’ve made in them. So, even though mentors train and release, they still have more followers and admirers than bullies do, thanks to their appeal.
10. You tend to enjoy genuine, warm fellowship with everyone you have mentored, even when Power and Influence of influence slip away or change.

HOPE FOR BULLIES AND THEIR VICTIMS

Some have argued loudly that bullying is a temperamental weakness that others must accept. Supporters of such claims try to suggest that bullies are limited in their ability to change and are, therefore, powerless when the consequences of their actions become public. Of course, all temperamental weaknesses can be traced back to the Adamic seed of sin or the depraved nature of humankind. However, God’s word condemns oppression, abusive behavior, and the use of harsh words, no matter how minor. The qualities that typical bullies struggle to demonstrate are love, compassion, humility, self-control, kindness, and gentleness. Since these qualities encompass most of the fruits of the Holy Spirit, the solution to chronic bullying is not far off. The Holy Spirit empowers God’s children to share in His divine nature. Therefore, every believer is expected to make every effort to grow in love, mutual affection, goodness, self-control, godliness, knowledge, and perseverance in their faith.

It is also not true that mentors must necessarily use bullying tactics to achieve results. One only needs to recognize that they are displaying bullying traits and decide to turn away from them. It is possible to break free from being a bully or eliminate all bullying tactics in any mentoring process. Carefully examine your relationships with family members, coworkers, classmates, subordinates, and junior colleagues, and remove any traces of bullying because the Holy Spirit is always ready to help. 

Don’t worry if you’ve been a victim of bullying. It’s said that no condition is permanent, and everything will eventually pass. Once you allow the Holy Spirit to help you develop patience and long suffering, you’ll be able to endure until the hardship ends. Luke 6:28 says, ”Bless those who curse you, and pray for those who mistreat you.” As followers of Christ, we’re called to respond to insults with blessings, not retaliation. Romans 12:17-19 also encourages us not to repay evil with evil. What Christendom and the world at large need today are mentors, not bullies. Mentorship goes beyond what we tell our followers. Apostle Paul admonished the Philippians saying, “Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me, put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.” (Philippians 4:9). “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” (Proverbs 27:17). Believers are, therefore, called to sharpen others through mentoring, not to make them numb through bullying. I want to take this opportunity to wish all fathers a happy Father’s Day, with a gentle reminder that fatherhood isn’t about bullying but about mentorship. Stay blessed.